The Croatia Chronicles

It’s Time to Say Goodbye…For Now

Today is my last full day in Croatia. Tomorrow I leave on an 8:30 am flight which I’ll have to wake up for at 4:30 in the morning to make it all the way to the Zagreb airport on time.

General Thoughts & Feelings

It doesn’t feel like the end and I’m not quite sure how it has already come to this point. It feels premature and I have a constant yearning to keep holding on to it like a pre-teen child still clinging to her baby blanket. Everything feels all wrong now, as if I’m being cheated somehow. Perhaps that’s in part because I usually spend an entire summer in Zagorje while now I’ll be leaving just after a week and half here, which is far too soon. Many plans with friends and family never materialized and so now have to be put on hold until my next visit which will hopefully last much longer.

Just like when I arrived in Croatia last year, I again am a mess of emotions, which I know is due to being on the cusp of another move, another change. Seems like all I’ve encountered this year is change after change and all I desire is some time to myself to just stand still, but I’m not even afforded that because that’s life, isn’t it? It doesn’t stop for anyone.

I feel anxious, frustrated, a tad excited, and mostly sad. It typically depends on the day as sometimes I’m more optimistic than others. On these particular days, I see the opportunities in my return to the States, new adventures to be had. Then on the other days, which have prevailed most recently, I just feel numb and tired.

I always hate leaving Croatia. It’s never been just a place of vacation, especially now that I’ve lived and worked here for a year. It’s one of my four great loves (yes, I have four). It feels natural to be here and I feel better, am better, for being here. It’s a home I can never manage to say goodbye to. I do, of course, but without a sense of closure. Leaving is a wound that only heals when I return again. So I guess that means I’ll just have to come back again, eh? : )

It’s tough for me to write any of this right now. I stop every few sentences cold and get lost in hazy thoughts. So instead of trying to articulate how I feel, which doesn’t seem to be going so well, I’ll just work from past to present and see what surfaces.

A Look Back

Oh the beginning. Oh how it was tough. Sometimes unbearably so. Anyone who goes abroad to teach tells you it was hard at first, but that’s all they say, hard. It’s like everything they went through boils down to that one word, but it’s not a strong word, it’s a filler, meaningless. I remember conversations with other previous overseas teachers and looking back on them now I just want to shake them and say, “STOP TELLING PEOPLE IT WAS HARD THIS, HARD THAT.” Yes, it was hard, great, wonderful, but what else? Why was it hard?

So now I’ll tell you. But bear in mind that everyone’s experiences are different and the difficulties they encounter vary in context and duration. For me, it was hard because:

• I had no formal teaching experience, aside from a TEFL certificate which I obtained after 130 hours of coursework and some student teaching and classroom observation.
• I had no formal, organized guidance or orientation. I was literally thrown into teaching and my shelves were piled high with books and resources I didn’t understand how to approach but had to figure out mostly on my own in a week’s time before classes began.
• There was a different working culture and environment to deal with which I would probably never encounter in the U.S.
• The Croatian administrative/legal system was discouraging and drawn out. I spent a month going to the police station to be told each week that I needed to obtain some other new document before anything could be processed.
• I was far away not only from U.S. family and friends, but also from Croatian family and friends, which I had hoped would be more accessible to me upon my arrival but proved to be nearly as out of reach as everyone in America.
• I caught bouts of homesickness every now and then, which was natural and usually a direct result of all the stress I encountered.
• It was very lonely for a long time, which exacerbated the stress. I was didn’t start making friends until my contract was half-way over in January.
• “There is always something,” according to Croats, and there certainly was always something new and stressful to deal with, often on a daily basis.
• I had trouble explaining certain new vocabulary words to students because that’s just not my forte in any situation so I often felt like I was failing them.
• I had quite a few difficult students, some of which would never stop talking, some that didn’t come to class frequently and others that got crazy frustrated in an instant.
• I had a very chatty and rambunctious teenage group that required me to constantly figure out new behavior management strategies and often I just felt like giving up, yet never did.
• I also had a class of 10 and 12-year-olds and well, I’m not a kid person so I often didn’t understand how best to connect with them.
• I had to balance my student’s needs with my school’s unfamiliar expectations and methodologies.
• Some days it just felt so hopeless and at one point the stress got so bad that my body started to be physically affected by it.

So that’s generally why it was such a hard beginning for me. Of course there’s more to this list, stories that if you ask me I’ll tell you about, but I feel like I’ve given a fairly decent overview of the difficulties I encountered. And it wasn’t just hard, it was hellish.

But I got through it all, somehow. The trick? There isn’t any trick; it’s just a matter of continuing despite all the difficulties, all the crap. It’s much harder said than done but if you just keep pushing, the end will come and you’ll be so much stronger for getting through it.

And it helped too, that once most of the difficulties were overcome after a few months, once the half-way point past, the real fun began. So now here’s why I’m glad I stayed and powered through all the ridiculous work and stress:

• I learned new facts and tidbits about Croatia by being immersed in its culture.
• I traveled and got to see parts of the world, people, and cultures I wouldn’t have experienced otherwise. I traveled around Croatia’s Istrian peninsula, to Slovenia, to Trieste, to Istanbul, to Amsterdam, and to Germany twice.
• I became friends with amazing people who I always had a wonderful time with, who showed me how to embrace the relaxed Croatian lifestyle and to embrace new experiences.
• I ended up loving all my classes and my students, many of whom I hope will keep in touch.
• I learned how to deal with high stress situations and now feel like I can handle anything the world throws at me.
• I learned how to laugh, really laugh, and see the endless potential life has for jokes and good times.
• I learned how to shed parts of my old self to make room for improvements which have allowed me to become a strong, mature, well-rounded adult.

While the bullet points on this list don’t outnumber the ones from my previous list, what they contain is far more valuable. All the tough times now remain as distant memories while what I gained as a result of them has stayed close to my heart and ultimately will be what I’ll remember fondly for years to come.

A Look Forward

Now here I am, still in my PJs and already sticky from the crazy heat and humidity wave that has hit Croatia this week. By forcing myself to reflect back on the past year and write about it, I think to myself, “Look at what you’ve done! How far you’ve come! Bravo!” It’s like I’m having a pep talk going on inside my head, and its pretty great.

So how do I feel now? A bit better than when I started the post. A bit more open to greeting the end and a new beginning. But what does this new beginning entail? Seeing my lovely Michigan family and friends again, but beyond that I have no idea, really. I mean when I return to Michigan I’ll begin an internship for the Michigan League of Conservation Voters, start back up working for Like Croatia, and write more freelance articles for One Green Planet. Yet I’m completely lost as to what will happen after my internship ends in August. My hope? A real full-time job that’ll allow me to work towards my personal mission of building a more sustainable and humane world. The reality? A long job search process that’ll end with a silent inbox and phone line and me screaming at the world, “JUST HIRE ME ALREADY. I’M AWESOME & I’LL SURPRISE YOU & YOU’LL BE GLAD YOU HIRED ME.” And then I’ll bang my fists on the table. Bah. It’s back to the drawing board, I guess. Fingers crossed.

I’ll try to stay optimistic. And I’ll try to immerse myself in the work and life I really want to lead. Like all new beginnings, it’ll be tough. But I can do tough now. I can do more than tough. So give me your best shot, world, and I’ll make something beautiful out of it in return.

And well, if all else fails then as I’ve said before, I’ll be back, Croatia, I’ll be back. : )